I've signed up to the wonder of e-petitions | Dt Opinion | Opinion | Telegraph

A Digital Democracy ....? Digital Dementia, more like.

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I am in thrall to a new internet obsession. Since I found it, YouTube, which used to dominate much of my so-called working day, no longer holds sway (well, there are only so many videos of Britney Spears shaving her head that one can take).

Sneezing pandas, plummeting sky-divers, Tony Blair proclaiming to George Bush his "Endless Love": none of the highlights of the online orbit can detain me any longer. Not now that I have embraced the world of the e-petition.

The Government's e-petitioning website has only been in operation since November, but already there is nowhere that holds a better mirror up to the national psyche. In 50 years' time, all historians need do to find out precisely what kind of Britain their forebears inhabited is study the weekly top 10 e-petitions.
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What more could they learn of our society, for instance, than that 3,626 people have signed up to demand that the Prime Minister stand on his head and juggle ice cream?

Another 3,868 citizens felt moved enough to insist that our elected representatives "replace the national anthem with Gold by Spandau Ballet". And those are the ones that made it to the approved list. Not that the historian should ignore those that get rejected.

Some, such as the several dozen which request that the Prime Minister "resign", "resign now" or "resign forthwith", are disallowed for plain rudeness.

Others, though, are turned down because they plead for legislation rather more specific than general. Such as the one which asked the PM to "end the rules of male primogeniture with regard to succession to the Earldom of Stirling via a Resettlement-by-Letters Patent to the current Lord Stirling". And the name of the person who submitted it? The Earl of Stirling.

Of course, there are petitions up there of rather more pertinence to those outside the earl's immediate family. The one that aims to keep the British Library free of charge, with no budget cuts, is something every civilised citizen should sign.

As is the one that insists the PM "recognise that music and dance should not be restricted by burdensome licensing regulations". I have also added my name to the demand that the Government "provide a reliable train service with adequate capacity at times that travellers wish to make journeys from Swindon to Westbury, Bristol to Severn Beach...".

Not of much immediate geographical relevance to many users of the site, I admit, but its intentions are commended.

Dominating the site right now, however, sitting there like a juggernaut stuck in the Hanger Lane gyratory system, is the petition that asks the Government to shelve its plans for road pricing. At the time of writing, 1,578,405 people had added their names. If you want to join them, you will have to hurry: the petition closes tomorrow.

Even before it does, the Prime Minister has welcomed it as "an opportunity... to have a full debate". He has promised that he will give his answer to it forthwith. If it is anything like those already posted on the site, this will say something like: "Thanks for your petition, which we very much appreciate. However, you are wrong and we will be pressing ahead with our policy, no matter how many people actively publicise their opposition." The petition will then be quietly removed from the list.

And maybe that's the most valuable lesson for us e-petitioning obsessives: we may have the technological wherewithal, but that doesn't mean anyone will pay us any heed.

The e-petition is designed to give the impression of openness and accountability - it "shows that my government is listening" says Mr Blair. But it is entirely illusionary - no more legislative common sense will come out of the site than from those shoeboxes filled with signatures clogging up the bowels of No 10.
Not that a mere detail like total powerlessness is going to stop the determined e-petitioner. After all, where else can a concerned citizen demand that the PM stick his head in a bucket of custard and gargle the national anthem? Just signing feels like therapy.


I've signed up to the wonder of e-petitions Dt Opinion Opinion Telegraph